The year is 1983. Five friends who need money decide there’s only one way out of their problems: kidnapping Mr. Heineken for a high ransom. A novel (“De ontvoering van Alfred Heineken;” Eng.: The Kidnapping of Alfred Heineken”) based on the incident and its aftermath from the perspective of Cor van Hout—one of the Dutch brewery founder’s kidnappers—would later be released in 1987 by Dutch investigative journalist Peter R. de Vries, who had earlier written “De zaak Heineken” (Eng.: “The Heineken Case”), an investigative account of the incident for a separate book. 

Now, 28 years after the release of “The Kidnapping of Alfred Heineken,” viewers can watch “Kidnapping Mr. Heineken,” its English-language film adaptation by Swedish director Daniel Alfredson (“Luftslottet som sprängdes;” Eng.: “The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest,” 2009) and screenwriter William Brookfield (“Close Your Eyes,” 2002). 

With Sir Anthony Hopkins playing the titular character of Freddy Heineken and a solid primary cast that includes Jim Sturgess (“Cloud Atlas,” 2012), Sam Worthington (“Avatar,” 2009), and Ryan Kwanten (“Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole,” 2010), the idea looks ripe for a gripping crime drama. However, it’s the most Stuff Happens^TM film you’ll ever see this year. 

Alfredson plays “Kidnapping Mr. Heineken” like your usual British indie-biopic—painfully linear, sans any creative flourish—and, as a result, viewers end up with a “thriller” that cannot thrill, despite the actual account of events being the perfect foundation for a potential banger. The characters on screen can’t be given a damn about, which makes it extremely difficult for viewers to connect with the film on any level. 

An argument could be made that they’re not likable enough, but characters don’t necessarily need to be likable to be engaging. “The Servant” (1963), directed by Joseph Losey to a screenplay by famed British playwright Harold Pinter, is an excellent example of a film whose most likable character isn’t even among its primary characters. 

Being a compelling character study that says something can be just as engaging, and “Kidnapping Mr. Heineken” does neither. Of course, there’s Hopkins, who’s unfortunately just bait, a naturally great performer with extensive marketing leverage. That’s all where it ends, sadly. He’s not given much, not even scraps derivative of Hannibal-esque manipulation. However, its most frustrating aspect isn’t that it fails at all. Certain flashes in the film’s metaphorical pan show just what could have been had Alfredson gone all out. 

Unfortunately, coupled with one-note turns from usually dependable actors like Hopkins, Sturgess, and Worthington, “Kidnapping Mr. Heineken” is a functionally made film that is less crime thriller and more rote drama that undercuts the possible stakes of taking a business mogul hostage. Here, the hostages are the film’s viewers for a 95-minute drama that feels like a neverending story—and the ticket price is the ransom we’ve paid ourselves.